I wanted easy. I even asked for easy. I needed easy, and easy was what I deserved. At least that's what I was thinking.
But it wasn't easy. Instead, it was the opposite, which made me feel more uneasy and made it seem a lot harder. Because it wasn't easy I mentally attached it to my other previous difficulties from which I was trying to disconnect. More struggle upset me and made me feel weak. I was tired of feeling weak.
But I am here, now, on the other side of that which was not so easy and living in the aftermath of the challenge. I understand it isn't over; more difficulty lies in front of me. I see the struggle ahead. Even so, I feel relieved, I feel stronger, and I feel thankful. I am tired—weary tired, but I endured what wasn't easy, yet again, so I realize I'm capable of enduring as many uneasy times as necessary.
If I had been given easy I might have claimed the victory as my own doing. Maybe I would have believed my own strength had carried me. I could have convinced myself of my own greatness even though I know I severely lack in that department.
But since I wasn't handed easy, I did not have to endure alone. Though I doubted through the struggle, He helped my unbelief. He made possible what seemed impossible to me. He produced the substance of what I hoped for. He provided the strength I needed to fill in my weakness gaps.
It is clear to me now that easy was not what He had in mind for me at all. I think that's because He knew how much I needed Him, and I think He wanted me to understand that, too.
It's usually not so easy peasy, but I'm learning to be good with that.