While in the midst of the chaos caused by a series of negative life events, I found myself focused on survival—fighting to breathe and stay alive spiritually. I was terrified. So much of what had become a valuable part of my life had been ripped out from under me. I finally found a place to land, and I’ve noticed how this more stable moment I’m living in now has given me a chance to process what I couldn’t process before. For these past two years I’ve been grieving my losses and doing a lot of thinking. I’ve recognized that it is very difficult to find the good in people who have hurt me. I’ve also recognized that it is easy to validate my hurt feelings. All I have to do to validate my hurt is tell others about how bad I’ve been hurt and how badly the person who hurt me behaved. Both saying the words out loud and hearing the agreements come back to me make my hurt feel justified and strengthened. It also makes the hole in my heart grow bigger. As I’ve experienced my own behavior, I’ve thought about how vicious I must sound after I’ve talked about those who have hurt me, and I have repented. But the full impact of how vicious my behavior is isn’t usually realized until I hear someone else do it. And hearing others do what I’ve done makes me want to change. It makes me want to be better than I am. I wish I could say I’ve mastered the right way to handle being hurt, but I haven’t. My dad has taught me for as long as I can remember how important it is to not become bitter. Validating my hurt is the opposite of what he has taught me. 

The way to not become bitter is to forgive. And forgiveness is the only right way to handle being hurt. But I cannot forgive as long as I’m seeking validation for my hurt. While being hurt is never okay, un-forgiveness will never be okay, either. I must learn to master what is not okay.